The Friendship Evolution: Why Your Circle Shrinks and How to Rebuild It

Have you ever looked around and realised your friendship circle isn’t what it used to be? The people you once shared everything with have drifted, and you’re left wondering why—or if you did something wrong. I’ve been there too. But after reading Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory, I had a revelation: friendships naturally evolve, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s an opportunity.

I also had to take a hard look at myself. Life gets busy—careers, relationships, family, personal struggles—and I haven’t always poured into friendships the way I should. But instead of dwelling on the past, I’m shifting my focus to what I can do now. I’m on a journey to find my people, build stronger connections, and embrace the friendships that truly align with my life today.

The Evolution of Relationships Across Life Stages

Looking back, I can see how my friendships have changed over the years.

• Childhood: Remember the days when making friends was as easy as sharing a snack or playing on the same team? Proximity was everything.

• Teenage Years: Secondary school friendships were all about shared experiences—crushes, exams, and late-night conversations.

• Young Adulthood: Moving away for university or starting a career shook up my friendships. Some stuck, some didn’t.

• 30s and 40s: Life gets busier—careers, family, and major life changes often dictate who stays in our circles.

• Later Years: At this stage, the friendships that remain are usually the ones built on shared values rather than just convenience.

  
  

When I started accepting this natural progression, I stopped feeling guilty when friendships changed.

The Three Factors That Shape Relationships

Mel Robbins highlights three key factors that influence friendships:

1. Proximity – Who do you naturally spend time with?

2. Energy – Who makes you feel good and leaves you feeling energised?

3. Timing – Are you both in a stage of life where your friendship can flourish?

   
   

Once I started thinking about my friendships this way, everything made more sense. Some people naturally drift away because our proximity changes, or our energies no longer align. And that’s okay.

The Power of Let Them

The Let Them theory is a game-changer. Instead of stressing about why a friend doesn’t text back or why someone isn’t making the same effort, I started telling myself: Let them.

If someone cancels plans repeatedly? Let them. If a friend isn’t showing up in the way I’d hoped? Let them. This isn’t about giving up on people—it’s about accepting that people have their own lives, struggles, and priorities.

And the biggest shift? I stopped taking it personally. It doesn’t mean they’re bad friends; it just means life is pulling us in different directions.

Let Me: Mel Robbins' Perspective on Taking Ownership of Your Social Life

Mel Robbins expands on Let Them with an equally crucial principle: Let Me. This concept is about taking responsibility for building your own community and not waiting for others to take the lead. Reading her insights has made me realise that I need to be more intentional about finding my own people.

How I’m Starting My Journey to Find My People

1. I am putting myself out there – Whether it’s joining a new club or sending a simple ‘Hey, want to catch up?’ text, I’m making the effort to connect.

2. I am following my interests – Showing up where like-minded people gather will help me naturally form connections.

3. I am assuming good intentions – Instead of feeling hurt when friendships drift, I’m choosing to believe that people are doing their best.

4. I am investing in those who reciprocate – If a friendship feels forced, I’m learning to let it go. If it feels easy and mutual, I’m leaning in.

5. I am embracing new environments – Expanding my comfort zone by attending new events, trying new activities, or even changing my daily routine to meet different people.

6. I am being the friend I want to have – Making an effort to check in on people, show support, and be present in my relationships.

7. I am prioritising consistency – Strong friendships aren’t built overnight, so I’m making a conscious effort to nurture relationships over time.

   
   
   
   

   

   
   

   Embracing Growth and Connection

Life is a series of chapters, and with each transition, new people enter while others may fade away. When I finally embraced Let Them and Let Me, I felt lighter. I stopped clinging to old friendships out of guilt and started making space for the relationships that truly fill my cup.

So, if someone drifts away, let them. And if you want deeper connections, let yourself take the first step. Your people are out there. This is the beginning of my journey to find them.